It has been a tough year. We left Fort Worth just over a year ago. I would’ve never thought we would be in Indiana of all places… Let alone that my Dad would be dead… and now my grandfather too. I am so grateful to death though. It has taught me so much these last 5 months. Sometimes we go through things that you can’t find words to describe especially in a public/social media type of way. We have spent more time in Indiana than anywhere. It is also where I, Lindsay, have learned the most. We have known for awhile now that this journey is one of love, finding ourselves and becoming closer as a family. I have learned my limits and still refuse to bow to them most of the time but am trying to ask for help more.
There have been so many things I have wanted to share but they are so personal there is no way to speak. I read a meme on Facebook the other day about taking care of friends. How are we supposed to know if a friend is hurting when one can cry out for help on social media but you never know what type of response you are going to get? We cried out for funds to help us get to Indiana because of my dying Father and we were blessed from our online friends and my Step Father but were met with hateful words from other family and one was even my dying Father. They were embarrassed. They didn’t give two cents if I was able to make it here and they made sure I knew it. On top of that, like I was surprised, they didn’t understand our journey nor did they want to try to understand. So I can see why some people when they are in need, emotional or financial, whatever it may be, they just suffer, alone. I was silenced in January from the hateful words that were spoken to me. I couldn’t imagine anyone treating their own family in such a way, especially while I’m in the midst of my dad dying only a week after we arrived here. So I was left to try and figure things out on my own. The result? I figured out who I am and who I want to be known as. Not a wimpy, push over, for one. I want to love, be honest, tactful, a calming spirit rather than a tornado. I had regrets. I had to be honest with myself about that. I had always tried to force myself into thinking “live with no regrets” but in reality I had quite a few. One big one being the fact that I allowed my hateful family members to ruin the last days I had with my dad. The next one, is not being by his side when he died; wondering “Where is my daughter?” I was in so much distress that I just couldn’t mentally function. Then, the stress perpetuated some gallbladder issues, causing the removal of my gallbladder. I had to forgive my dad because I knew if we had more time together we would have worked things out. I never had the chance to explain our dream to him at all. I eventually became more okay with who I was and stopped trying so hard to be who my family wanted me to be. I don’t know about you but being the black sheep sucked for me. It is/was anguish.
So when we arrived to Indiana and all this hatefulness attacked me I deleted all the family off my Facebook. I didn’t want to embarrass them any more. I really didn’t want any of them to know anything. Which is why I was silenced. Social media didn’t feel safe anymore. Which was probably a good thing because I am sure I would have said a few things that were just out of pain and who knows what would’ve happened.
All that to say, how can we love each other more fully in a Facebook world? There are so many hurting people. We are so busy that we rarely get to think and care for others. We just become more self-centered. I’ve not figured these things out yet… but I am determined to make people know I care.
When we left Fort Worth we had only one thing in mind. We have to get out of the “normal,” day to day, bullshit to get on track with our dream. I already posted last year about how we got to the point of being on the road. Click here to read that blog post. Our dream is so big that I feel we get lost in it sometimes. I have tried to break it down into smaller pieces though. Tangible goals. First, take care of the family. Need a place to live, food, etc. Then find land. Then build necessary buildings. Then hope people join us. We have tons of people who tell us how cool of an idea we have, but not a single person has said yes I want to be a part of this. Is it like that movie “Field of Dreams”? Build it and they will come? Lol. I sure hope not. We can’t do this on our own. No one can be fully self sustainable on their own. We require a community to lean on. What is that going to look like?
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